Work and employment, agree/disagree: Band 9 IELTS Writing

What’s wrong with this opening?

“I totally agree that money is the most important thing because we need it to buy food and pay rent. If we have a high salary, we will be happy at work.”

Question Prompt: “Some people believe that a high salary is the most important factor when choosing a job.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?”

The Problem: you need to examine the question and situation deeply. 95% will write “Oh yes we love money!”
Academic thought will ask questions (I go in-depth on this here).
- What other factors are there?
- What do people do with their money? Spend it. If they get more they spend more.
- What if you are miserable at your job? Is the money worth it? How much money do we mean?
This is university-level thinking.
The Answer: This essay will argue that workplace environment is the most important factor when accepting employment because it affects our mental health, and it underpins career growth. (Just having money doesn’t do those things)

Now, we need some fancy words to talk about the situation.

Use this table to audit your vocabulary. If you use the left column, you are a Band 6.0 worker. Use the right column to become a Band 9.0 Elite.

(Band 6.0)	(Band 8.0+)
“A job with high pay”	Remunerative employment

“Being happy with your job”	Job satisfaction and intrinsic fulfillment

“A boss who is good”	Effective corporate leadership

What questions can you ask to come up with an academic level answer?

Prompt: “Technological progress has made it possible for many people to work from home. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?”

Band 6.0 Thesis: “In my opinion, working from home is good because people don’t have to travel and they can spend time with family. However, it is bad because they might be lazy. I think the good points are more.”
Band 9.0 Thesis: “While telecommuting can lead to a blurring of professional and private boundaries, I contend that the enhanced autonomy and reduction in commuter-related stress represent a significant net benefit for both employee well-being and corporate productivity.”
Sounds good?
Wait. I want you to be more direct in your response. Just saying “it’s a net benefit for 2 points does not exactly say that adv outweigh disadv. This is clearer. This sentence will make YOU 100% sure that your response is a high band: “The benefits of remote work are far greater than the costs”.
- This makes the fact that you have answered 100% clear to the examiner.
- Secondly, you didn’t use many big words like in the ‘band 9 thesis’ which is actually AI generated, but you don’t have to and shouldn’t force them into every sentence. You can put them in the paragraphs.
  - The point is that your task response and organisation marks happen during PLANNING, NOT when you are writing. (I did throw in one ‘technical term’ ‘remote work’.)
  - When you have a plan, you can then focus on grammar and vocabulary.

Why is my IELTS writing stuck at 6.5?

These are the rules examiners MUST follow when marking you:

Task Response is 25% of your mark, and this is the first of 5 points

A clear and fully developed position is presented which directly
answers the question/s.

You can see that our answer “directly answers”, and so can the examiner.

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Work and Employment essay samples

Prompt: “Some believe that businesses should focus on the satisfaction of their employees rather than just profits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?”

Introduction:

In the competitive landscape of modern commerce, there is an ongoing debate regarding whether a firm’s primary obligation is to its fiscal bottom line or the well-being of its staff. This essay examines the idea that prioritizing employee satisfaction is the most effective way to ensure long-term commercial viability. (basically you are saying ‘yes they should focus on employees not just money because employees are the ones who make the money.)

Critical Thinking Matrix
We learned in the other agree/disagree pages that just saying ‘there is a debate’ is not a proper ‘response’ and thus does not address the question fully. Instead: “Human capital is the driving force behind most businesses, and without it, a business hurts its bottom line.”
How this gets you 7+
1. high-level vocabulary in the very first word.
2. compound sentence is 7+
3. your response shows BOTH the situation/background and your response (you clearly think that employees are important)

Body Paragraph 1:

The primary reason to prioritize staff satisfaction is the concept of human capital. (we can remove this sentence now, because we talked about it in the first sentence. this is highly strategic because the extra words will be used in this paragraph to create depth. Depth is the first important part of your Task Response mark) (Start here) When workers feel valued and enjoy intrinsic fulfillment, they are statistically more productive and creative. This means that they feel satisfied that they have made a positive contribution. (this explanation shows the examiner that you know what ‘intrinsic fullfillment means, and you can get your marks for using it.) Conversely, a workplace that focuses solely on profit often creates a high-stress environment, leading to staff attrition (people quitting). The cost of recruiting and training new employees is far higher than the cost of maintaining a happy workforce. (this shows that if you don’t care about employees you lose money, and ‘proves’ your thesis which was “human capital leads to long-term profit) Therefore, investing in people is a sound fiscal strategy. (yes but say ‘long-term fiscal strategy’ to firmly respond to the thesis.)

You can see how every sentence shows that the thesis is ‘correct’, or at least makes sense. This is crucial for your mark.

Body Paragraph 2:

Furthermore, in the digital age, a company’s treatment of its labor force directly impacts its brand equity. Consumers are increasingly conscious of ethical employment practices. If a corporation is known for “burnout culture,” it may face public backlash or boycotts. Thus, ensuring employee satisfaction is not just a moral choice, but a way to protect the company’s market position.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I largely agree that businesses must focus on their employees. (you don’t need to say that first sentence.) Human capital is the engine of innovation and productivity, a satisfied workforce is the most reliable path to sustainable profit. (what’s missing from that last sentence? right, long-term.)